ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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