I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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