I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
