Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
