I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
