what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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