HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
