tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
