Me. At least after what I've been through.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
