I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
