I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
