Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
