I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
