Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
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