Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
