I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
