Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
