I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
