I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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