either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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