Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
