All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
