My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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