her vagine was all disorganized.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
