We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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