I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
