dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
