i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
