im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
