If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
