I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
