Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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