you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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