Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
