You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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