mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize