apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
