It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
