Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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