i jhust puked up my retainher.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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