i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
