Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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