I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
