Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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