I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
