sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
