my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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