i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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