I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
