I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Farmville is her only friend.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
