so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
