have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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