I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
