Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
