I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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