my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I think I just sharted jello shots
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
