Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He has the fingertips of a God
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